


It's always darkest before Dawn

by Blackstarsabove



Series: Embers [3]
Category: The Last Kingdom (TV), The Warrior Chronicles | The Saxon Stories - Bernard Cornwell
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:07:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24665878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackstarsabove/pseuds/Blackstarsabove
Summary: Finan and Sihtric only just found one another and now they are already faced with the possibility of losing each other again.But that is not the only challenge they are facing as they attack Dunholm.
Relationships: Finan/Sihtric (The Last Kingdom)
Series: Embers [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1771612
Comments: 5
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is much appreciated, thanks for reading💕

Spring came earlier than expected that year, thawing the ice that had the rivers in time and turning the fields snow had painted white back to their rich green.   
The first flowers broke the hardened earth and fresh leaves started to show on the naked branches of the trees.  
It was the time of new beginnings and beauty but this year there was no time to notice the beauty of the new life returning to the lands.

Death loomed over them like a dark cloud, drowning out the sunlight and leaving them cold and in darkness.

When Sihtric looked around he could see it in the men's faces.  
He could see the fear and the uncertainty. Many of these men had just begun their last journey, he was sure of it. They would never return to their families, never see their children grow up, never drink with their friends again and he hoped that one day they would be reunited with their loved ones wherever they might go when their journey in Midgard was over, whether they would enter Valhalla, Odin's corpse hall or be chosen to go to Folkvangr, Freya's fields. Maybe they would even go to the Christian heaven Finan had told him about.

The Dane felt a hand on his own, drawing his attention away from the thoughts clouding his mind.   
It was Finan, of course.   
The Irishman smiled, giving his hand a small squeeze before letting go again and spurring his horse on to catch up to Uhtred.   
Sihtric sighed, his heart heavy with worry as he returned to his thoughts. Could he even hope to be reunited with the one he loved?   
Finan was a Christian and even though he knew countless pagan tales and never went to prayer with the other Christians, he was as loyal to his God as Sihtric was to his.

But he could not lose Finan, especially not yet.  
They had hardly had the chance to spend time together lately, with Finan in his role as Uhtred's second in command working to make sure that everything went as smoothly as possible. Sihtric had struggled with that a lot especially when Finan had been gone for nearly a week to gather their remaining men who had chosen to stay with their families over the winter rather than staying in Eoferwic.

But Sihtric had managed. Somehow.  
Before he had left, Finan had gifted him something. A talisman of sorts from what he understood.  
It had been passed down to Finan from his grandmother who had also taught him the tales Sihtric had come to love in the short time he had known the Irishman.   
"It will protect you", Finan had said as he had separated the talisman from the cross that had hidden it all this time.   
He had taken a thread and woven it through the amulet before tying it at the back of Sihtric's neck so it would rest above Thor's hammer. 

Sihtric sighed, reaching for the amulet to take a look at it again. It was a delicate thing, made from the same material as Finan's cross.  
He ran his thumb over the complicated engravings that decorated each line before he tucked it under his armor again, where it was close to his heart.  
He had survived on his own, had battled his fears on his own but he had known that Finan would return to him then.  
Knowing that they would never be reunited, not even in death, would be unbearable. He simply could not lose Finan too.   
Sihtric frowned, reaching into his pocket to feel the small wooden necklace there. 

The sun was about to set when they made camp for the last, time before they would reach their destination well into the next day.   
They were close enough to Dunholm to see the impressive stronghold where it sat on a mountaintop, but far enough to remain unseen by Kjartan's spies at least for now even though Sihtric was sure that his father already knew they were coming. 

The Dane sighed, patting his Mani's neck with a soft sigh.   
Mani was Sihtric's horse, a gift from Tekill, his master.   
Mani's mother had died when he had still been a foal and with his left eye blue and milky, clearly blind, he would have been left to die. But Sihtric had refused to give up on the midnight black stallion. He had just lost his mother and Mani had reminded him of himself so he had shared what little food he had gotten with the horse and had made sure he would live.  
He had named him Mani, like the moon that always brought him comfort.

"Time to go home, hm?" He asked thoughtfully, placing a small kiss on the horse's muzzle. Mani snorted, lightly touching his snouth to Sihtric's cheek in return.  
Dunholm had brought him so much pain and sorrow, going back to this horrid place by choice felt almost impossible.   
Uhtred had offered Sihtric the possibility of staying behind without any consequences, knowing how hard it had to be for the Dane, but he was determined to prove himself and so he had chosen to stay.

Two strong arms wrapping around his middle distracted him from any thoughts he had and out of instinct he almost kicked whoever it was that stood behind him before he recognized them as Finan and relaxed.  
"You scared me" he accused but got distracted yet again by Finan's lips on the sensitive skin of his neck.

It had taken a while for Sihtric to learn to enjoy them without squirming or hurting Finan unintentionally, after all he was used to altogether different touches, but he had learned with time.

He had been used to men claiming him, in one way or another.   
Usually they had left his neck bruised so that everyone could see that they had had him.   
They would pull him on their laps in front of everyone, humiliating him by forcing his head back to show off the bitemarks and various other traces they had left behind on his pale skin the night before.

But Sihtric couldn't think of that now, not while Finan's kisses felt so very good.  
The Irishman had given him time to get used to each gentle touch he had introduced him to, always warning him first before he knew with certainty that Sihtric was comfortable with whatever he did, so that the Dane could enjoy it properly and without fear.  
By now he just hummed contently and leaned his head back whenever Finan kissed his neck, almost like a cat that purred when petted.  
Finan smiled at the thought, resting his head on Sihtric's shoulder as he followed the Dane's look.

"We will live" he mumbled, reaching for one of Sihtric's hands without letting him free of his embrace.  
"How are you so sure?", Sihtric asked, turning his head a bit.  
"I feel it" he replied, pecking his lips as if to reassure him, "and I saw a white horse this morning. We will have good luck", he added after a moment, trying to lighten the mood.  
Sihtric smiled a bit, bringing the older man's hand up to his lips to place a kiss on the back of it.

Of course Finan worried about what would happen but if he could give Sihtric just a little more hope then he was ready to believe, for his lover's sake.

They were silent as the last light disappeared, leaving them with a clear view of the stars in the sky above. Each was deep in thought before Finan spoke up again.  
"And once Dunholm has fallen we will go home and you will be a free man."

Uhtred had promised that if they were to win this battle, Sihtric would no longer be his servant but his oathman, like Finan. Free to own things and paid for his service.

"We should rest now", Finan suggested when the Dane didn't respond, smiling slightly when he noticed Mani nipping on the fur on Sihtric's sleeve, "but you should feed your horse first or it will end up eating you instead."  
Sihtric chuckled at that, tilting his head back to kiss his lover's cheek before peeling the older man's arms off his waist.  
"Wait for me", he told him, offering Mani the apple he had brought for him, "I'll join you."

Sihtric sighed as he heard the Irishman leave, turning his attention back to the stallion in front of him.  
"What do you think, old friend? Should I give it to him?", He asked, receiving a small nudge in return.  
Sihtric smiled a bit, petting Mani's neck.  
Sometimes he felt as though the horse really could understand what he was saying.   
Maybe it was the look of wisdom in his one seeing eye.   
It reminded the Dane of how Odin, on his never-ending search for the understanding of life’s mysteries, had given his eye in return for a drink from Mimir's well, hidden underneath the roots of Yggdrassil. Water from that well was said to impart this knowledge.

Mani nudged him again, almost as if he knew that the Dane was getting lost in his thoughts again, and Sihtric chuckled quietly.   
"Fine. I'll leave you be then."

Finan looked up when Sihtric entered their shared tent, something that had gotten them quite a few strange and disapproving looks from the priests, and sat down in front of him.  
"I have a gift for you", Sihtric blurted out, seeming a bit nervous, "it's fine if you don't want to keep it."  
Finan nodded, waiting for Sihtric to continue.  
The Dane hesitated then reached into his pocket, handing Finan a small wooden object.  
The Irishman inspected it, recognizing it as Thor's hammer, the amulet most Danes wore for protection.  
He traced the delicate patterns in awe before his eyes landed on a very special pattern, identical to the one on the necklace he had given the younger.  
"Did you make this yourself?", Finan asked, not taking his eyes off the amulet.  
"I did...I thought that maybe it would help us reunite one day...should we fall in battle", he replied quietly.  
When Finan looked up he found Sihtric staring at the ground, probably expecting to be scolded or punished for gifting him, a Christian, a pagan symbol.  
But Finan just crouched down in front of him, tilting up his chin to pull him into a soft kiss.  
"It is a wonderful gift. Thank you" he told the Dane once he had broken the kiss, putting on the necklace before tucking it away underneath his armor, where it was close to his heart.


	2. Chapter 2

The streets of Dunholm had always felt dark and cold to Sihtric, void of any love since his mother had died and he had put her to rest in the unforgiving ground.  
He had been young then, too young even to fully grasp the finality of her absence.  
He had watched the dogs tear his mother to pieces and had remembered how she had told him of Jesus, the son of the Christian god, the one they had nailed to the cross where he had died just to rise from the dead.  
He had thought his mother would rise from the dead to and return to him but in the end she never did.  
There had been no time to grieve her when he had finally accepted her death.

Now that the streets were filled with Danes and Saxons celebrating their victory together, with songs and jokes and ale and mead, the streets felt even darker and, ironically, even empier.  
Sihtric hadn't joined the celebrations this time, had hidden away in the stables until night had fallen.  
His memory of the fight was blurry and even know it was hard to think clearly. He hasn't rested, had just sat there, his mind blank.

Sihtric felt heavy and tired, his body aching from exhaustion but he couldn't find rest here, where the ghosts of his past lurked behind every corner.  
He leaned against the wall of a house for support, his eyes falling on a small patch of grass that was used for training spars and squares between warriors.  
Tekil had taught him to fight there, many years ago. If he focused hard enough, he could still hear the man's voice instructing him to lift his shield higher.  
In many ways, Tekil had been like a father to him. He had stood up for Sihtric many times, even against Kjartan when the latter had wanted to have him killed. And even though he had treated him like the slave that he was most of the time, Sihtric had grieved him.  
It was unusual to teach a slave how to fight and even though Sihtric was trained in self defense rather than active attacks it had been frowned upon in Dunholm.  
When Sihtric had asked his master why he had decided to teach him the older man had responded that Sihtric too deserved a chance to die a warrior's death.  
It had been Tekil who had taught him all about the Gods and the nine worlds. He had told him the tales late at night when he had done his work well during the day.

But that hadn't made him any less of a slave and not even Tekil had been able to protect him from his father's beatings or the rest of the abuse he had faced due to his rank in society.

Sihtric sighed, continuing his way slowly. He was far from the main hall now, where the sounds of the celebrations were distant and barely audible.

Kjartan was gone now, far, far away where he could never reach Sihtric again.  
He and Sven would live in Helheim until the wolf would swallow the sun.  
Sihtric had hoped that his father's death would finally bring him peace, that it would finally end the constant state of fear that he had lived in for most of his life but even though he had watched Kjartan die, just as he had been forced to watch his mother all those years ago, the past still haunted him all the same, maybe even more now.  
Because it hasn't been him who had avenged his mother. It had been the young Ragnar.  
Sihtric had often thought about what it would be like to kill his father, to take revenge for all the pain and humiliation he had had to endure because of him and to his own surprise he had found himself wondering if his father would respect him then.  
Maybe, if he had been the one to kill Kjartan the Cruel they could have reunited in Valhalla and maybe there his father could have loved him too, the way he had loved Sven.

The Dane stumbled, the stones digging into his palms and knees as he fell and yet he felt no pain.  
When he lifted his head to look around, he found himself surrounded by the slave huts that stood at the far edge of Dunholm, away from the great hall and the market.  
He had lived here with his mother before she had died and he had buried her here with the help of the other slaves.  
They were all gone now, Sihtric realized, finding the huts to be empty.

Suddenly it felt impossible to get up onto his feet again and before he knew it, Sihtric found himself crawling the small distance that still separated him from his mother's grave.  
Sihtric had always found burrying the dead quite strange, finding more comfort in the thought that the flames, that rose high into the sky when they were burning them instead, would allow them to find their way to afterlife more easily.  
But his mother had been Christian and so they had buried her as one.

Sihtric looked at the small patch of grass now, finding the cross he had put there with stones almost invisible. He had laid the outline of a boat around the grave too, just in case.

He barely remembered his mother now, her face and voice gone from his mind, but he remembered the love she had shown him in the far too short time she had spent by his side.  
They hadn't had much but his mother had always made sure he had something to eat even if that meant that she had to spend another night with Kjartan.

Finan found him there.  
He had been trying to find Sihtric ever since Kjartan had died but it was nearly impossible to find anyone in a group of celebrating men, especially someone who probably didn't want to be found.  
The sun had long since set by the time he had finally found the dark alley that led to the slave huts.  
The buildings were all empty now. Either the slaves had died or they had flead Dunholm when the attack had happened.  
But he didn't have time to think about their fate because now, finally, he has found Sihtric.

The Dane didn't seem to notice him when he approached, his gaze turned skywards and apparently deep in thought.  
The Irishman approached him slowly, taking a seat in the grass next to him. It didn't took long for him to recognize the small grave as what it was and he sighed softly.  
Finan had many fond memories of his mother but Sihtric had been so young when she had died that he doubted the Dane could even recall her face.  
But he had taken on her name from what he knew.  
Among the Danes it was common to take on the father's name the way Uhtred and Ragnar had both taken their father's name by calling themselves 'Ragnarson'.  
Sihtric however didn't like being reminded of his father so he had taken to introducing himself as Sihtric Elflædson, after his mother.

"Sihtric?" He spoke quietly, trying to get the Dane's attention without startling him. He was slow to turn his head but as soon as he recognized Finan, tears welled up in his eyes, tears he had probably been trying hard to hold back all this time.  
Finan knew that Sihtric was careful when it came to expressing his feelings, thinking that it could make him appear weak. The fact that he felt safe enough around Finan still touched the older man.

He pulled him into his arms gently, letting the younger man weep for all that he had lost and all that he had never had.

Sihtric was still young and yet he had already seen so much pain and suffering. Being here again, surrounded by all the memories had to be especially hard on him.  
"Let's get you to sleep, hm?", Finan suggested quietly, placing a kiss on top of his head.  
He didn't urge Sihtric to talk but if the younger needed to then he would be there to listen.  
It was almost as if the Dane hadn't heard him or he simply didn't want to react to the suggestion.

"He's dead now...why don't I feel better?", Sihtric asked quietly, not lifting his head from where it rested against Finan's neck.  
The Isrishman remembered asking himself the very same question after he had killed Sverri. He had driven a sword through the man's throat himself and still the memories of what he had done to him remained until this day.  
He didn't know how to respond so he just kissed the top of Sihtric's head again, a frown on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm rarely ever proud of anything that I write but this one I'm REALLY not proud of. I feel like I kind of backed myself into a corner here and this was really the best I could do on this one, sorry.  
> You might be wondering: why release it then? Well, if I keep redoing this chapter I'll end up giving up on the entire series sooner or later so I'd rather risk this chapter to be bad than just never continue this again. Especially because I have drafts that I really like so far ready for the future works.  
> I accidentally fell asleep trying to read over this and I'm not entirely sure if I finished it before that but hey let's just pretend I did.


	3. Chapter 3

"We ride to Wessex tomorrow", Finan mumbled, gently cleaning the blood and dirt from Sihtric's face.  
Uhtred had offered them a room in the great hall but Finan had decided that he would rather not take Sihtric to a place that could hold even more bad memories and had instead paid to rent them a room further away from the celebrations that would last well into the morning.   
"I've never been to Wessex before", Sihtric whispered, looking down at his hands. He had been silent ever since Finan had brought him here, still deep in thought apparently.  
"It's not as impressive as people say", the Irishman told him, wiping the last bit of blood from Sihtric's cheek before dropping the rag back into the bowl of water, now red with blood.   
"The people there are far too pious if you ask me."  
That made Sihtric smile faintly.  
"Shouldn't you appreciate that? As a good Christian?"  
Finan crossed himself, chuckling as he started taking off his armor.  
"We won't stay there for long. Uhtred will get a piece of land and then we leave again."  
Finan placed a small kiss on his lips, taking off Sihtric's excuse for an armor. He was already planning on buying him one that was more suitable for him as well as arm rings now that the Dane was no longer a slave.   
Finan wanted him to start a new life, far from the pain and fear his past had brought him and now that Kjartan was gone and Sihtric was free they finally had a chance to make a new beginning. Together.  
"And we will build a house", Finan continued, touching their foreheads together carefully, a gesture that had the sane value to them as the kisses they stole from one another.   
"If you still want that, that is."

They had talked about moving in together before, one night when Sihtric hadn't been able to sleep. It seemed almost impossible for them to live separately again after sharing a home for the better part of the past four months.   
The Dane smiled a little, humming in agreement as he closed his eyes. It was clear that something had changed inside of him since he had found him by the grave. The boy seemed calmer now, less troubled.  
"I would love that"  
"Then I promise to build you a beautiful home. However you want it. But only if you promise to try and get some sleep now.", Finan added, pulling away from the younger to help him lie down and tuck him underneath the furs.  
"Stay?" Finan smiled a bit as he looked down at Sihtric who suddenly looked like he hadn't slept in a year. Of course he couldn't deny him that wish.

When Finan woke the next morning, golden sunlight was already flowing in through the window.   
He sighed, rubbing his eyes as he blindly tried to reach for Sihtric, still half asleep. But the Dane was nowhere to be found and the space next to him was already cold, a clear sign that the Dane had left a while ago.   
He panicked for a moment, painfully aware that Sihtric was not safe here in Dunholm. The men around here knew him as Kjartan's bastard and some men might still wish to take revenge on the boy for betraying his father.   
Within seconds the Irishman was on his feet, getting dressed quickly before setting out to find his lover.

In the end his worry had turned out to be unjustified when he found Sihtric at the stables, taking care of Mani and looking a lot better than he had yesterday. In fact he looked a lot more at ease than Finan had ever seen him.  
He leaned on the wall of the stables, watching as the horse nudged Sihtric gently, causing the Dane to chuckle quietly before saying something in Danish that Finan didn't quite understand. He looked happy.

The Dane smiled when he spotted Finan, patting Mani's neck before joining him by the entrance.  
"Did you sleep well?", He asked after pulling him down into a small kiss.  
Finan hummed in agreement, looking around worried that someone had seen their rather careless display of affection. But there were only Danes around and none of them seemed to care enough to spare them a second glance. He had learned by now that among the Danes men being with men was nothing all too rare and it was usually thought of as unimportant as long as one didn't turn out to be the submissive partner. That would be dangerous for the man's honor, something the Danes held very dear.

Sihtric pulled away again, returning to Mani's side.   
"Sometimes I think you love that horse more than you love me", Finan joked, glaring at the black horse dramatically.  
Sihtric chuckled, causing Finan to drop his act so he could admire the beautiful sight.  
"You know that i do. Lord Uhtred said we leave before noon. I took care of Kelpie already so you just need to fetch your belongings."  
Kelpie was Finan's horse, a beutiful and strong white mare that he had brought from Winchester.   
It had been Sihtric who had named her after insisting that Finan couldn't just call her 'horse' or 'girl' all the time.  
The Irishman smiled at the Dane, glad to see that he seemed to be doing so much better now. He just hoped that that happiness would last.   
Maybe his promise of a better life ahead had worked after all.

Sihtric placed a small kiss on Mani's snout when Finan had left, sighing softly. But it wasn't a heavy sigh this time.   
For the first time in his life he was free, free to choose his own path, free to make his own decisions and whereas that would have scared him terribly not all to long ago, it now brought him a kind of childlike joy that he had never felt before. Because Finan was with him now and he had Uhtred and Clapa and Rypere, friends that he could rely on.  
For the first time in his life he didn't feel miserable.

They left Dunholm just before noon, Finan and Sihtric riding side by side, right behind Uhtred.   
The world felt brighter now that their whole life lay ahead of them. Finally they could see the new life around them. They could see the pink flowers and the green leaves, could hear the birds sing and the rivers lapping.  
The past months had been hard on all of them, filled with fear and uncertainty but now the promise of peace brought them comfort.  
Or maybe it was still just the thrill of victory, Finan didn't know for sure.  
All he knew was that Sihtric seemed calmer and happier now, so full of hope, and made him fall in love with the Dane all over again. 

They made camp when night fell and ate some of the food they had taken with them when they had left Dunholm, sitting around a small fire with their friends.   
Clapa and Rypere were engaged in conversation with Uhtred and Finan and Sihtric were sharing Finan's fur, the younger tucked safely under the Irishman's arm as he whispered something into his ear that made the Dane smile.   
Only Sihtric glanced up when Hild joined them, returning from checking on Thyra, the smile still on his face.  
After their rather rough start, Sihtric had come to quite enjoy Hild's company and even though they weren't necessarily close he still counted her as his friend after the time they had spent together when Finan had been absent.  
The nun had worried about him and had made sure to bring him food every other day or so.

Finan placed a few kisses on Sihtric's neck, not to happy that his attention seemed to have shifted, and Sihtric blushed lightly which caused Hild to laugh and Finan to look up.  
"Sister Hild", he greeted, smirking a bit when he noticed the blush on Sihtric's cheeks.

"You really love him, don't you?", Hild asked him later that night, after an evening filled with good food, jokes and stories, when Sihtric was already asleep with his head resting against his chest.   
"I do", he replied quietly, turning his head slightly to look at the sleeping Dane, who seemed so utterly peaceful with his eyes closed as the light of the fare danced across his pale skin. 

"Is that a sin?", he asked, looking up at the woman he had come to call friend in the short time he had known her.  
He knew that Sihtric enjoyed her company too and maybe the question wasn't as much whether God would accept their relationship as whether Hild would.  
She shook her head, looking into the fire. For a moment she seemed deep in thought.  
"Your feelings for Sihtric are pure. You want to help him and keep him safe. There's nothing sinful about that. It's just love."  
Finan nodded, unable to hold back a small sigh of relief. He had known that Uhtred, Clapa and Rypere didn't mind the unusual couple, especially not with Uhtred and Clapa being Danes, but it had always been hard to tell what Hild thought about it.

"It won't be easy for us.", Finan spoke again, watching the sparks jump from the flames to rise towards the dark nightsky before they disappeared.  
"Not it won't. But I know that you won't give up on him."  
"Never."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I surprised myself with this turn if I'm honest but it felt only right to do it now. After all this story is called "It's always darkest before Dawn" so we need the good and hopefully times too, don't we? And I feel like Finan's word would have been enough to give Sihtric that hope at least for a short time.  
> I also wanted to let you know that I am starting school again tomorrow (only for a week then there is one week at home and so on for the next six weeks) so I might update slower than I did so far depending on how motivated I am.


End file.
